Aussie Humor

As you have likely gleaned from previous postings the Aussies have a particular outlook on life, world affairs, clothing, sporting, consumption of food and alcohol and humor.  Often it is their humor that resonates through all other experiences.

Taking a piss

Yes, an affectionate term used to describe kidding, joking, making fun of or otherwise tormenting another (in a good natured manner – of course).  It’s important to know that despite how much the Aussies delight in taking a piss, that this is a one-way street that only Aussies get to drive.  Very much in fact like their lovable koala (that’s not a bear, despite any references to the contrary); Aussies look like fun, but have claws that they can used if annoyed. 

Nevertheless, they love a good joke and if done properly they will enjoy, but again their favorite is to make fun of themselves or tourists.  Examples of making fun of us include the following:

Dingos – the feral dogs made famous by Meryl Streep and A Cry In the Dark.  We’ve been told that there is an outstanding bounty on dingos.  Well there was once, but not any more.  In fact given that firearms are difficult to obtain and license, it’s not really relevant. 

Although these prevailing facts didn’t stop me from suggesting this as a revenue source to Nicole last April.  “Com’on it’s great.  I can go out, have a couple of beer bag a bunch of pelts and then be home and still have made dinner.”  “What about Spencer?” “Well, she’d come of course.  You can’t hunt dingos without a baby, that’s just crazy.  I’d be downwind, from a slightly elevated position the entire time, with field glasses, a 5x rifle scope.  It’ll be fine.  What could go wrong?”  Shortly after, Spencer was enrolled in daycare on a full time basis.  I still haven’t collected a bounty on a dingo, or anything else.

Bruda-bruda – a drought and flood resistant animal found in Northern Queensland that a friend was telling me about.  Yeah, I looked it up.  Nothing.  Bunk. 

That’s the nice thing about the Aussies, you can never tell if it’s a joke or something weird that you’ve never heard of.  We’ll see how funny it is the next time I look after his kids.  I suspect that they’ll have stories to tell their parents about dingo hunting. 

It’s not just their love to make a joke but also the overall view of the world.  Again, I’m made repeated reference to short and rather gauzy clothing worn by women here.  Well with the summer routinely above 32C and the relative humidity vacillating between 65% and 99.5% the clothing get’s shorter, thinner and gauzier.  In fact I’m surprised that there isn’t more cross dressing here.  Seriously, I’ve given this one a great deal of consideration.  Really think about it: wearing a short skirt to work seems like a way better idea than a wool suit.  Some how, as tolerant as she is, I’m not sure that Nicole would endorse such pursuits. 

At any rate, with the flimsy clothing there is a high probability of seeing someone exposed by an errant gust of wind.  This happens nearly every day.  In fact I was standing waiting for a light when a fortuitous gust of wind lifted a woman’s skirt over her waist, but so common was this experience that she didn’t even flinch.  It was as though a gentle breeze has caressed a misplaced hair away from her eye, rather than showcasing a lace clad bottom for the world to see.  “Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry but doesn’t that cause you any concern?” “Naw, not really mate, I wear less on the beach, and besides mate, it stops the guys from staring at my breasts.”  “Yeah, good thinking.”  Reflecting on this now, I’m not even sure she had breasts. 

Given that the taking a piss is a one-way street, it is a great way to wind up the Aussies who are fiercely proud of all things Australian.  So when you “have a go” at their national symbols you’re certain to get a reaction. 

For example – The Wallabies

The Australian National (Union) Rugby Team is affectionately known as the Wallabies.  For those of you who don’t know, a wallaby is a species of macropod, similar to a kangaroo but smaller and very fast.  The name sake for the Australian rugby pride is based upon the originality of the creature as well as it’s speed, agility and the fact that there is almost nowhere in Australia in which the wallaby is not found.[1] 

However, given that a) wallabies are small, b) that they’re a source of pride in Australia, and c) that I am convincing when I play dumb, one can have great fun with this. 

“So wallabies are just baby kangaroos, right?”   

“Mate, they’re not babies, they’re a different species, just smaller.”

“Just smaller like babies?”

“Mate, they’re not babies.  Look, someone is going to sort you out if you don’t simmer down.”

“I’m just saying, babies are small and they look like baby ‘roos.”

“Look.”  Now becoming increasingly agitated,”they’re a national icon.  They’re not babies, but a separate specises from kangaroo.  The rugby team takes their name because of how fast and agile they are.”

“Ok, it’s just that they seemed to play like babies last weekend against South Africa.”

Scream

“Are wallabies in the same genus as kangaroos?”  I’ll have to get back to that answer, because I started running and couldn’t hear the response over my labored breathing.  

Maybe I’ll make the teasing Aussies a regular feature.  Feedback welcome. 

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[1] http://animals.jrank.org/pages/2695/Wallabies-Kangaroos-Macropodidae.html

; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wallaby

A Stranger in a Stranger Land 

While I consider myself to have a pretty decent imagination, there are things that are so outlandish that even I wouldn’t have dreamt them up.  Such things are found throughout the Australian experience.  Here is a collection of a few that have hit the high points.

Water Dragons (Physignathus lesueurii)

While perhaps not indigenous to Australia, these lizard looking creatures are certainly prolific.  Most of the lizards are of a modest or relatively small size, like a decent sized urban squirrel in Calgary, but without fur, but some can be as lard as a one kg (~2.2 lbs).  As you might guess, their name is derived from the fact that they are riparian and are capable of running across water.[1] 

The spectacle of seeing a lizard deftly running across the water is impressive.  Of course, such a spectacle doesn’t go unnoticed and kicks off a fresh debate as to the origin of said lizard.  Was the lizard created, or did it evolve?  Where does creation start and evolution take over?  Did the dragon evolve to walk on water, was it created to, like the son of God?  Was Jesus merely created a mortal that later evolved into a deity?  Is there something divine about reptiles, or merely another one of Satan’s guises? 

An alternative argument is that things are just strange here and strange creatures are simply part of the larger landscape.  Of course the locals referring to the noble Physignathus lesueurii as a “Jesus Lizard” doesn’t help to quell the argument. 

Children’s Sports

Seriously?  Children’s sports?  That can’t be that much of a stretch can it?  I mean we know that the Aussies are crazy about their sports and since you can’t put kids in coal mines anymore, you have to do something with them.  In fact most parents that I know have their kids in sport.  However, as might be anticipated, this is where the Aussies depart from others.

Rather than merely having “Mini soccer” for kids under 6, the Aussies, have a league that allows children (of either gender) that at 4 and older to play Australian Rules Football, a sport that the UN has prohibited outside of this continent.  (The Scots and Irish have gotten around the prohibition by calling it “Gaelic Rules” and thus being “cultural”, as visiting bodily harm is in northern anglo societies.)  But it’s “OK” because “it’s not full contact” but “only skill development”.  Ok then.  Right.  Skills such as jumping off another player’s shoulders (not withstanding what team) to catch the ball for a “mark”, like “raking one’s cleats across an opponent’s chest” or learning how to shake of having a ball accidently kicked into your face?  I guess on the upside, there is less of the chasing of butterflies that you see kids do playing U8 soccer in Calgary, because a) butterflies are so prolific here that it’s not such a big deal to see them and b) if they don’t keep their heads up playing mini AFL they’ll get walloped. 

I can’t believe when I see grown men playing AFL, I can’t imagine watching children.

Estate Planning

One of the responsibilities that I had as in an in-house lawyer was dealing with estates matters.  Without naming names, and jeopardizing my standing as a solicitor and also adding a certain amount of dramatic atmosphere, most of the questions involved questions posed to me about releasing funds that were under our control.  The conversation would go like this:

So mate, I’ve got this client who’s dead and they came in to the office today.

You’re dead client came into the office today?  Sorry dude, you’ve got the wrong number, I can help you with a bunch of things but re-animation is well outside of my practice area.

No, sorry mate, I mean that my client is dead and his kid came in today asking 

However this should not be misunderstood to mean that estate planning is not widely known.  I also had a legal education provision service call and inquire if they could sign me up for a course.  You know, because even here the implication is that you will attend a course rather than merely consider attending, because you’re just not that busy.  So the course offered had nothing to do with my practice or interests or anything really but I took the opportunity to inquire into an estates planning course.  This is what I got:

States?  Why states?

Estates.

What about states

No, E-states

You mean like e-commerce among states?

No.  Estates like dead people.

That just doesn’t make a lot of sense mate, you want to set up an e-commerce site for dead people?

No.  How to deal with the estates of dead people, you know like what happens to their property upon going to their great reward?

Ok, I send you something on property development. 

I ended up receiving a workshop on building codes.  While I suppose there could be a connection between estate planning and building codes, it would appear that if you don’t adhere to one (the building codes) you had better do some estate planning.  Sort of the Minneapolis Metrodome snow load rating for beneficiaries by engineers.

I do like the idea of the e-commerce site for dead people, arguably if I got enough subscribers I could take it public like Linkedin and Twitter, except that I could have these subscribers forever.  There has to be a financial upside in that….

Advertising

I just have to add the photo here. 

 Am I the only one that saw the irony in the phrase that suggests “Free energy for everyone from the sun” and yet the jumping person is reaching for an incandescent light fixture?

Other shocking examples include the mobile phone advertisement that features a cartoon portrayal of a talking moose standing in front of the Three Sisters mountain outside of Canmore.  WTF?  I understand that there are more Aussies between the ages of 18-22 in Banff National Park than in Sydney, but really?  A talking moose and the Three Sisters?  I can’t even begin to understand.

The zenith of talking animals in advertising campaign features another Canadian icon, the beaver.  Not industrious, not a symbol of ecology, not Canadaa’s fur bearing heritage or a plug for tourism in this campaign, but a mascot.  Incidentally from a Canadian perspective, an obscene mascot.  In this advertisement for feminine hygiene products, the talking beaver (I know, I know, but like I said, I can’t even make this up) states that this product “…is the best care for down there.”  I suppose if a beaver could talk, it would tell you what it preferred.  I still shake my head.

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[1] http://www.ozanimals.com/Reptile/Eastern-Water-Dragon/Physignathus/lesueurii%20lesueurii.html

Riverfire 2011

Notoriously, Brisbane enjoys three things in abundance: warm weather; fireworks and celebrations.  Attempting to embrace this strange and foreign culture, as poor immigrants to this wondrous land, Nicole and I, on 3 September hosted was our first and last annual "Riverfire Party".

Seems innocuous enough...

Riverfire is a spectacle of incomprehensible proportions.  Imagine Chinese New Year, Operation Dessert Storm I and II, and my tendency for embellishment and you have a sense of what was expected.  

By way of a broader explanation, Riverfire is the kick off event to the larger Brisbane Festival that runs for 21 days in September, starting the first Saturday.  Ok, what's Brisbane Festival? Excellent question.  Imagine Chinese New Year, Rosh Hashanah, Easter, Break-up, Bloomsday, Stuttgart Spring Festival and my penchant for embellishment and you have Brisbane Festival.  Incidentally, the festival does mark the start of Spring here.

As you might imagine after facing a long harsh Queensland winter where there are rumours that it can get as cold as 3 C and the daytime highs are a shocking 18-21 C, Spring is welcome indeed.  Fortunately, like any good season change it is noticeable and in fact palpable.  It seems like almost over night, the humidity starts to rise again from the arid 20-30% to more reasonable 65-80%.  Still from a Canadian perspective, all of this seems a little foreign still.  In fact the "rumours" of the cold temperatures have actually been recorded, but at the bottom of a well in the pre-dawn hours and in terms of "dry air" Queenslanders don't believe that as kids we used to build up static on carpets by dragging our feet, only to prove Coulomb's law (for a system of discrete discharges), notwithstanding our lack of understanding of physics.1  

The event was witnessed from the rooftop balcony of our rented unit  over looking the grandeur of the Story Bridge.  As previously mentioned in other entries, it was unlikely that we will renew our lease so this became a once in a lifetime opportunity extended to friends in the area.  The views of the spectacle were in fact a great experience and perhaps the most stunning display of fireworks I have seen, certainly the vantage point made an impact.

  

Some of the anticipatory testimonials, which may or may not have really been attributed to the source cited included:

Lord Mayor Graham Quirk - "If I was asked, I would say that the Milne/Tetrault Riverfire party should be one of the best two or three thousand Riverfire events this year.  We are very proud indeed.";

Chris Bowen MP - "These types of events and people show us how proud Australia can be of the immigrants that we so warmly welcome to our shores...";

Brad Burns, local comedian and thespian - "Having attended a party there once already, I'm almost positive that I could maybe find my way back.  Totally unforgettable night.";

Bono, lead singer U2 - "It's a great event, a great function, for an outstanding cause it reminds me of this time that I single handedly raise awareness for the unfettered repression of....." interrupted by the Edge groaning.

The format was simple: 

• People were welcome anytime after 5.30 and children most welcome.  I mean, what's the fun of fireworks without young children to be terrified by them?
• We encouraged those driving to make sure to check the provided links because of the significant traffic disruptions and no parking zones that would be in effect for the evening; and 
• We provided a variety of light snacks but encouraged everyone to bring their favourite refreshments that you think is suitable for fireworks, you or your children.

Further stipulations followed, as the fireworks kicked off at 7pm, those guest who were not here by 6.45, were instructed to simply stand outside our place and scream until the police attend and lead you elsewhere.  The rest of us, will be on the rooftop balcony watching your arrest.  Seriously, front doors were locked at 6.45 and we were not coming down to get stragglers.  In typically Australian fashion, a tipping pool was set up for how many arrests were to be made and who was to be the first.  Brad Burns led the pool with even odds of being arrested, but to the disappointment of the book, he arrived promptly, an event for which odds weren't listed.  

The party continued past the fireworks, and unlike other parties we had hosted ended before the cold wine and beer were exhausted.  Perhaps providing some insight into what we encouraged young children to attend... 

The anticipated attendees included:

*Peter Garrett - former lead singer of Midnight Oil, doing something else now; who exclaims, "I would expect to have a whale of a time...";

*Quade Cooper - Wallabies Fly-half; "I can't kick the feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something else, but I totally want to attend..." he mused;

**Brad Burns - local comedic talent; Enthusiastically, "Given that it's two weeks away and I still don't have a better option...so I suppose there are worse outcomes"; and

**Three separate Gregs (none of whom were "Dirtbag Greg") and oddly not one Bruce. 

As the dust settles

We hope that those who were able to join us enjoyed the evening of fireworks, refreshments and friends.  For those who were not able to make it, I've added a photo of the projected view for next year...

http://www.brisbanefestival.com.au/Free/Sunsuper-Riverfire-Important-Information

http://www.brisbanefestival.com.au/Free/Sunsuper-Riverfire

* Probably not really, although there maybe someone talking about them.

** Probably really.

1 Coulomb (1785b) "Second mémoire sur l’électricité et le magnétisme," Histoire de l’Académie Royale des Sciences, pages 578-611. -- Coulomb showed that oppositely charged bodies obey an inverse-square law of attraction.